I was teased when my router, or as I call it, carrot on a string, was delivered last Thursday. I took the box home, hooked it up, and tried to connect my computer. No cigar.

When I went to work on Friday, my co-worker called the Internet provider for me. I heard a lot of “genau”, and “alles klar”. She hung up and told me it would be active by the time I got home.

Nope.

I called that night, but couldn’t reach anyone who spoke English. I actually wish I was recording all of these attempted conversations I have with people: “Sprechen Sie Englisch?” “Nein” “Ok well let’s try anyway.”

I called again Saturday morning and got through to an English-speaker. YAY! He said a technician had to come out. NOOO!!! And they would call to set up an appointment. Double NO! Who knows how long that will take?!

They called yesterday afternoon and luckily another co-worker was at my desk talking about work. Me: “That’s my Internet!! Can you talk to them?!”

They asked her if I’d be home today from 12-4 and I said I will be home whenever they need me to be. Sorry friends who are coming to visit, but I had to waste a vacation day today. It was necessary.

My house turned out to be the Mr. Mom house today. If you don’t know the reference to the 80s film starring Michael Keaton, I suggest you rent the movie. It is a classic.

First, I met Frau Schneider, the 90 year old woman who owns the house. I’ve only dealt with her son, the landlord, and had never met her before. She saw me outside and came up to talk to me. I think my blank stare indicated that I didn’t understand anything. “Oh, you’re the American!” and then she apologized that her English was only “kitchen English”.

After that, someone buzzed. I ran outside “Internet?!”…no, it was some guy from the heating company to read the radiator meters (meanwhile it’s 90+ outside). I asked what he would have done if I wasn’t home and he said he would have left a note (I didn’t tell him I would have discarded the note like everything else I get in German).

Then, some kids showed up to mow the lawn. Frau Schneider was still out in the garden in her silk pants suit.

Finally, the Internet tech arrived. I took him down to the cellar, but had to summon Frau Schneider down to talk to him (thank god she was there). Offering her an arm to help her down the stairs, she made a comment about how she’ll take help in 5 years when she’s 95. That made me smile.

After talking to the tech, she asked me to call her son. By the time I called him and went back down to the cellar, she said, “alles klar” and the tech had started ripping the walls apart. All I said her son was “your mom is here and wants to talk to you” before the phone cut out.

I called him back a few minutes later and explained everything was ok. “The Internet guy is here, but your mom took care of it.”

“What? Mom doesn’t know anything about Internet. Did she sign anything?”

I was dying laughing. So I put the tech on the phone with him and they talked. When I got the phone back he said,

“I thought it was someone trying to sell something and we’re trying to keep mom from signing any contracts. What is she doing there?”

“Oh she’s just gardening.”

“She’s still in Frankfurt?!”

“Yep”

At this point I realized this spunky old lady is clearly more than anyone can handle.

I’m not sure when she left, but a few hours later, I have Internet. This is the first official blog post from my apartment! And birthday week continues…