I PRd my snatch today.

(PR=personal record, or personal best. Snatch=one of the two Olympic lifts. Now onward to the story).

As I stood, holding the weight overhead that was 1 kilo more than my previous best, I laughed.

I have been chasing this for 6 years.

And simultaneously, I have not.

It came unexpectedly, and seemingly easily.

But it was not easy.

In 2013, it was all-consuming. I was focused, I trained hard, but it never came.

And then I found out I was moving to Germany.

I continued to pursue it: I would bike to this small club, in this small German town, and spent Saturdays lifting with people, and a coach, who didn’t speak English.

I chased this weight so hard.

And then I had to let it go.

I stopped weightlifting for a while.

But it never left me.

I would snatch here and there – just to show myself I still had the skill.

But I stayed in my comfort zone: that grey area out of which anything but progress comes.

I gave up on it.

I told myself I was past my peak, and accepted it just wasn’t possible.

I told myself a story, and I believed it.

But, as I am starting to learn in life, the less I grasp at, or chase a shiny object, the more I find that mastery comes from ease.

I normally don’t lift on Sundays.

I decided to go in today, just to move a bit.

I was noncommittal to any outcome.

I worked up in weight, and it felt light.

Little by little, I added more weight, took a lift, waited, lifted again.

I was calm and focused, but not obsessed.

I knew I was capable.

What was different this time?

I believe it was because I had no expectations. I gave up on the clinging.

But relinquishing control doesn’t make the victory any less sweet. It felt really good today!

My all-time goal is now 1.5 kilos away.

Who knows if I will ever make it.

Maybe it will come tomorrow.

Maybe it will take 6 more years.

And I am ok with any of those options.

You know what else happened today?

I felt the urge to share my story; to write.

This feeling has also been elusive lately.

But I am not chasing that either.

I know it will come back when it wants to.